Trevor and I started watching, “Eternals” and decided to take an intermission.

Which consists of Trevor making supper.

…and me hopping on here to share, what I feel, has been a big step forward.

I started therapy with a rough list of what I wanted to work on/through. Our first session, Tasha said I care a wwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhoooooooooollllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeee lot.

I agreed- but it wasn’t until a few days ago I understood the true depth of what she meant.

My life has been spent caring about what other people think. Especially my family. Even at almost 40, I find myself still seeking the approval of my parents. And my older brother.

My whole life, it has been about making the right choices. Because I don’t want to be looked down upon. Or, essentially, feel rejected/abandoned, shunned, etc.

Also because I don’t want to make my life harder than it needs to be. And it’s important to be a human who tries to do good things in general.

I have spent years worrying about the comfort of others, the managing of others emotions at the cost of my own. Something I’ve been aware of for some time; however, the depth of it eluded me until recently.

It’s not a prison I plan to stay in. I get to do things differently now. Wherever these beliefs came from, it’s time to work through them.

I am going unlearn the belief that love comes from right choices and “fitting in”. To remember my needs matter, too. Most importantly, I am who gets to dictate what I do with my life.

And how best to live it.

Also this week, I took away the true importance of practice. Not perfection but practice.

To continue moving forward, I need to keep taking time for myself to meditate. Read. Learn. Redirect thoughts when necessary. Keep listening to my spiritual podcasts.

Be mindful of the company I keep. And everything I consume.

With repetition comes rewiring. I hope it also brings more peace.

More posts to come.

Published by amberalice

I’m not sure how to summarize myself properly (I struggle with simply being human). But let’s give it a try! Spiritual witchy hippie who dreams of three day weekends and human rights for all. Lunch lady to the neighborhood birbs (white breasted nut hatches are the best!). Adore my jumping spiders. Oh, there are also 50 or so plants we share our home with. And some rogue lady bugs. It’s always interesting to see where they show up. Like on toilet paper. This is where I add a heavy dash of queer, neurodivergency, and vegetarianism. Am big on hugs- I give them most generously.

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