This second session began with a bang.
I started crying almost immediately. FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON.
I had big feelings before we even started, though.
I went into the appointment expecting to discuss why I am so riddled with fear/have this weird thing with control.
But that is not how this session unraveled.
We talked about feelings. How it’s okay to feel them. Because I don’t always do that. And despite not needing to know why I feel the way I do, I still have to let myself feel the emotions.
Knowing why I feel the way I do won’t change how I feel. This made me realize that, perhaps, I overthink WAY MORE THAN I THOUGHT I DID.
Our discussion led me to conclude, that while I AM a very “feeling” person, I DON’T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THEM.
At least verbally. And I especially don’t like making eye contact when having a dialogue about deep, inner me.
But from these conversations of feelings, amongst other things, I jotted the following notes because I don’t trust my brain to remember everything we went over:
- People don’t get to tell me who I am. Or how to be me, for that matter.
- I don’t owe anyone an explanation nor do I have to justify myself
- I can’t tell people how to experience me
- Feelings should never become an argument
Which led to this homework:
- Pay attention to the stories I tell myself
- Remember to go back to the truth: I matter. My feelings matter. I deserve to be happy.
- Remember to breathe. Breathing provides a feeling of safety.
- Show up for little me (Lots of self hugging)
- Pay attention to how I show up for me
And what does some of that look like?
Reminding myself it’s okay to be me (because I have a core belief that it isn’t). Taking a few deep breaths if I notice my anxiety rising. Going out and getting the hair cut I’ve been wanting for weeks because it would make me feel better about myself (and it has!).
It also involves writing down: I matter. My feelings matter. I deserve to be happy. Every. Single. Day.
Two days in and I’m nailing it.
Then there’s this weekend. The Teenager goes to his father’s, so Trevor and I are celebrating my birthday early with a trip to KC.
Where I will get to indulge in my love of bones, ethical taxidermy, bugs, and beautiful witchy things at one of my very favorite shops.
This is going to be a trip where I have a chance to reaffirm to myself that it IS okay to be me.
Because it is.
More posts to come.