My therapist is fantastic. Relatable. Easy to talk to. Very intelligent.
She absolutely nailed some of my core beliefs, unearthing one I didn’t even realize I had until she said it:
- It isn’t okay to be myself
- I am unlovable
Andddd she caught on (quickly) that I have many, MANY fucks to give. Which, of course I do! I’m a big bleeding heart. I have four jumping spiders (+ grandspoods) in my care and over 30 houseplants.
If that doesn’t scream, “I HAVE ALL THE LOVE TO GIVE”, I’m not sure what does.
…I drip love all over the place.
It’s been a few hours but I’m still trying to absorb this first session. Kind of wishing it had been recorded so I could go back and re-listen to everything she said.
But it comes down to healing. Lots of work for me to do. I am going to be sad. Really sad. I will also reach a point where I’ll have to go into the office for some sort of emotional support.
…makes me wonder what she’s going to uncover/tap into. I mean, I told her the big, not great events of my life straight out. So I’m curious what she will say that’s going to hit hard.
A lot of things she mentioned go back to my core belief that it isn’t okay to be myself. Assessing people so I can adapt to them is just one example of how this belief effects my life. Anxiety is another.
Then I learned that SAD is linked to trauma.
She also mentioned that she isn’t sure what my diagnosis is right now because I am an onion with layers to peel back.
I wasn’t consciously trying to hide anything.
I AM PAYING TO WORK ON MY SHIT SO I AM ALL ABOUT TOSSING IT INTO THE RING.
…and onto the internet. Clearly.
The Therapist DID say she’s thinking I could have PTSD or just some form of anxiety. Whatever it is, after sharing stories of various hues, she said something like I learned to cope well.
Is that a compliment?! Thank you?!
We ended the session with her giving me homework. For the next few weeks, I am to focus on mindfulness. Be mindful of the stories I tell. Thoughts. Verbal vomit (I think?). Etc.
It’s been four hours and I have almost two journal pages full of brain garbage. My current favorite?
I’m afraid I’m doing this homework incorrectly.
Oh, Amber. That sums things up perfectly.
I am both excited and slightly terrified about the work ahead (mostly excited); however, I’m here for transformation.
A better, healthier life.
More posts to come.