But Are You Happy?

Facebook shared a memory/picture from two years ago when I opened the app this morning.

I was standing in front of a bathroom mirror, smiling, at a rest stop in Illinois- Boston bound with who else?! Boston Drew.

I was looking at the picture and my first thought was:

“Wow. Yeah, I was way smaller back then. I miss those jeans”.

Which was followed by, “But I wasn’t happy”.

I was unemployed and mental health a complete wreck. Dating people who weren’t good for me. Hoping each day I was going to get a call to set up an interview.

This trip to Boston was a wonderful gift from Drew. A brief escape from my life. Honestly, one of the best trips I have ever been on.

And now, 2021 Amber, is working on slowly moving into her own home. I’m at least 20lbs heavier than my restroom selfie taken in Illinois two years ago…but I am much happier.

I’m making more money than I ever have. I am surrounded by a community of wonderful, loving people in my life who support me. And there’s that most beautiful farmhouse sitting on acres of land I’m moving into.

What more could I want?

THERAPY.

Clearly, I have things to work on. You’re here. You read my blogs. This isn’t news to you.

I’d like to FINALLY get out of my own way. Eventually connect with someone who becomes a long term partner. AND WE HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!

BUTTTTTT if I want to break patterns, so I can find said partner to feed and snuggle me, I need help.

I had a couple of therapy sessions a few years back. It wasn’t really flowing based on lots of little things. Plus COVID.

What better time than now to make a real go of it?!

So I made an appointment for July. An actual appointment because I DO adult when necessary. I admit, I am pretty excited I’m on my way to making this next chapter of life even better.

I am also moderately terrified.

Not so much of talking about things that have happened to me. But the idea that she will confirm that they HAVE, indeed, impacted me and continue to do so.

I don’t want the men involved with the various abusive and/or shitty incidents occurring throughout my life still having some sort of power over me.

Ugh.

However, I’d rather hear that, and whatever else I need to hear, so I can work through it to be a better version of me.

I know it will be worth it. I am worth it. And I am ready for all kinds of doors to open.

More posts to come.

Published by amberalice

Kansas Native. Knitter. Amateur photographer. Lover of love, plants, and great burritos.

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