What. A. Week.

AND A BRAND NEW ONE IS STARTING TOMORROW! But, as my friend, Lauren, would say, “That is a problem for future us”.

Indeed it is, Lauren. You wise, wise human.

I had initially planned to post toward the end of the week but alas. It wasn’t in the cards.

But I am here now, to share with you some comedy gold. My version of comedy gold.

Have you ever wondered what texting me is like? Is real life Amber actually Blog Amber or is this some sort of clever ruse to suck readers in and have them follow me because they love nonsense?

And what kinds of human actually allow me into their inner circle?

WELL GUESS WHAT I AM GOING TO SHARE?!

That’s right. A few (very anonymous) conversations I had last week- mostly from Wednesday. I don’t know what was in the air, but my god. Every one was killing me.

It’s like they knew I needed all the laughs. And I will always take the laughs. I’m laugh greedy.

Although, I think I have set the tone for the day by starting the morning out strong with this:

Words of wisdom from 6:20 AM Amber

When I joined the waking world, later that morning, and had some caffeine, it was bothering me that I still hadn’t found the perfect gift for one of my closest friend’s birthdays.

…but then it hit me. I was so excited that I had narrowed it down, I had to share. But not with her, of course.


I mean, I’ve seen pictures of Kevin Costner in Yellowstone. He is quite the snack indeed.

I then moved on to this conversation:

I know I am going to get flack for that shady AF comment. Yes, there ARE great smelling men that exist- some of them are my friends and tolerate me sniffing them (pre-COVID) because they smell THAT GOOD.

…most of them are also gay.

But please keep in mind I live in a bachelor pad DURING A PANADEMIC that smells quite the opposite from the delicious smelling treasures Target sells.

I’m sorry I’ve become so jaded. Maybe it will get better when I am back out into the world.

Or lose my sense of smell completely.

Have I mentioned my soon to be marine biologist friend in Texas volunteers at a turtle center and I am always super excited when she sends me pictures of the sweet sea babies? Because she does.

We all know how badly Texas was hit during the Polar Vortex of 2021. And I’m sure you guys have seen pictures of people going out to save what turtles they can. She was among them.

Anyway, she was texting one of the higher ups at the rescue center about all of those turtles recovering.

Particularly how once they warmed up, they weren’t going to be so…docile.

Please keep in mind she’s talking about HUNDREDS of turtles that weigh HUNDREDS of pounds each. Imagine the flapper strength they have to have!

…yeah, I may have snorted thinking about throngs of turtles slapping people to get out of their way. I forgot to ask if a turtle slap can leave bruises.

…what could sea turtles bench if sea turtles could bench?

Please answer this for me. I know you’ll probably be reading this at some point.

Oh! So my dreams have been super interesting lately. They’ve always been weird but it’s as though my brain accepted some sort of TikTok dream challenge and decided to up the ante. Here’s one I recently shared:

I was incredibly happy my brain tossed in a room just for puppies. It knows me so well! I wonder if it was an attempt at an apology for being unable to maintain a steadier supply of serotonin during the winter months. Either way, puppies!

I decided to share this with Olivia’s mom, because I figured she would get a kick out of it. I was right…and couldn’t believe her response.

HEY! You never know, I COULD VERY WELL BE! Perhaps I just haven’t found a way to completely remove whatever is blocking me from my full potential.

Be ready for when I do. It’ll get even more metaphysical over here. I’ll be massaging all the chakras. With all the crystals.

But right now, we are getting femme friendly. This text, this most wonderfully educational text, came out of left field.

I live for texts like these.

Naturally, my initial response was I am tagging along. HOW HAVE I BEEN ALIVE FOR THIS LONG AND BE COMPLETELY UNAWARE THERE IS A VAGINA MUSEUM?! …how did I not know vaginas are great for making reverse tie dye underwear?! I mean, reverse tie dyeing is trendy right now.

In true Amber fashion, I had to share this newly acquired, odd and wonderful, information.

…but it doesn’t stop there.

I hopped over to TikTok later that night to finally watch the bazillion videos sitting in my inbox- all sent by friends with incredibly great senses of humor.

One of the videos happened to be a woman WHO MAKES PENIS AND VULVA CROCHET HOOKS BUT ALSO KNITTING NEEDLES!!!

The crochet hooks are ergonomically friendly, btw. If you desperately need one of these to add to your collection, please click up above. It will take you right to her Etsy shop.

I messaged my friend who sent the video. Her reply made me giggle while warming my heart.

I definitely enjoyed getting the text about the vagina museum AND the genital hooks/needles on the same day. I feel like the universe has heard my complaints about not enough lady bit representation/appreciation.

It’s nice to have people who get me. All the fun, weird, often times socially unacceptable parts of me. And I appreciate the people who don’t understand but accept me as is.

But I especially love when my people send me such random, clever, and hilarious messages/videos. It’s always fun to see what makes them think of me.

This last message didn’t come on Wednesday, but I laughed incredibly hard when I read it and knew I had to add it to this hodge podge of a post.

That sounds like it could get messy (if latex is involved, though, the mustard would clean up pretty easily…I think)…this now has me wondering if there’s a YouTube cooking channel where they cook in all latex.

I can tell I’m getting tired because I’m starting to ramble extra. BUT BEFORE I GO, I WANT TO SHOW YOU MY NEW THERAPY BALL!

Meet Harold. He is algae but they call him a moss ball. He’ll probably out live me.
Harold without his fancy straw hat.

I know, I know. I don’t have room for more plants. I’ve been trying to fight the urge to buy my very own moss ball. But I couldn’t resist. I am weak.

HOWEVER, he’s low light. I have lots of low light space.

To keep Harold round, I have to pretend I am a gentle lake wave and swish him. I find this therapeutic and stress relieving, which is why I am now referring to him as my living stress ball.

That I only squeeze politely when I change his water.

And now I can go to bed!

More posts to come.

Published by amberalice

Mother of spoods. Birb lunch lady.

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