Give a Man $50 and He Will Buy 18 Bottles of Ketchup

Dad had me order 18 bottles of ketchup from Amazon.

Yes, EIGHTEEN BOTTLES OF KETCHUP and no clue where we’re going to store them when they come in.

I vote for his bedroom because I doubt my father will follow The Home Edit/Marie Kondo’s rules of purging/editing things from his house.

…if you’ve seen the yard or stepped foot into the bachelor pad I live in, you know what I’m up against.

So why 18 bottles of ketchup?

Dad decided he wanted a few bottles of Heinz’s jalapeño ketchup, sriracha ketchup, and their hot and spicy ketchup.

I hope he and my child enjoy them because I will not be partaking. I prefer to not have a cramping stomach and burning asshole.

Perks of eating spicy anything when you’re middle aged.

So as requested, I began the hunt for Heinz. Unfortunately, the only place I could find all three flavors was Amazon.

It was buy in bulk or cough up $8 for a single 14oz bottle of painful diarrhea inducing ketchup.

Dad, being a fairly savvy shopper, decided it made more sense to buy 6 bottles of each because it was much cheaper individually to go ahead and buy in bulk.

He’s not wrong.

But 18 bottles of ketchup.

Because my father is a generous man, I’m sure a few bottles will find themselves in other homes. But I am confident at least half of them will be staying here.

For forever.

Probably the point in this post where it’s a good time to mention my nephew works at a grocery store, the only grocery store we know of, that still sells Art and Mary’s kettle chips.

Dad and The Teenager love their jalapeño chips.

So what does my father do Thursday when my brother and nephew came by for a quick visit?

Hands my nephew money to buy a box of the chips.

…a box holds 12 bags of chips.

This is how my father will survive the pandemic: using food to burn any potential virus out of his body.

Seems he’ll definitely be clearing something out of his system.

I’m secretly hoping he decides to buy a big box of crinkle fries to go with all that ketchup. Fries are an investment I can absolutely get behind.

Or any processed potatoes. Except wedges. I’ll eat them, but not my favorite out of all the various forms the mighty potato can be transformed into.

In case you were wondering.

More posts to come.

Published by amberalice

I’m not sure how to summarize myself properly (I struggle with simply being human). But let’s give it a try! Spiritual witchy hippie who dreams of three day weekends and human rights for all. Lunch lady to the neighborhood birbs (white breasted nut hatches are the best!). Adore my jumping spiders. Oh, there are also 50 or so plants we share our home with. And some rogue lady bugs. It’s always interesting to see where they show up. Like on toilet paper. This is where I add a heavy dash of queer, neurodivergency, and vegetarianism. Am big on hugs- I give them most generously.

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  1. I wonder if jalapeno, sriracha, and hot and spicy are all the same recipe and they just change the label. You should do a blind taste with him to see if he can correctly identify each one. Also great funny sentence: “I’ll eat them, but not my favorite out of all the various forms the mighty potato can be transformed into.”

    Liked by 1 person

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