What an unforeseen heavy morning.
I woke up feeling great on this most beautiful Lazy Sunday– no headache like yesterday and no overwhelming sense of loneliness that I had carried with me through the week.
I checked social media like I do each morning, drinking a hot cup of tea, and started messaging one of my best friends, John, because he shared an amusing picture of a space cat dj with pizza.
I’m not entirely sure what triggered it- current events, reflecting upon my past choices/patterns and ideas I still carry with me- but a heaviness washed over me.
Life is so strange. Things change but they don’t. We change, but we don’t. There is a constant, subtle state of ebb and flow that we aren’t even aware of until we find ourselves at both an end and a beginning.
When we look back on it, we can’t even pinpoint the moment the shift started to occur.
Maybe it’s just one of those mornings where I feel the weight of everything on my shoulders- mortality, hate, ignorance, unwillingness to let things change on all sides because humans fear what they do not understand.
It is overwhelming and saddens me, which is why I try avoid the news. And to focus on making my little part of the world better- to do my best to be an example, despite my own shortcomings.
I was telling John I laugh when I think about this idea I held about adults as a child. They always had an answer for everything. They seemed to know it all.
But as I entered into adulthood, and as I continue to age, I see we don’t always have the answers. We don’t know everything. We still carry around baggage from decades ago that influences our ideas, choices, and patterns- both conscious and unconscious.
We don’t always grow. We still look for reassurance, hoping someone will have an answer for us when we want feel at ease with the decision we have made. We continue to carry fears and insecurities well into our 30’s and beyond that blossomed decades ago in our youth.
There’s comfort in knowing we can change our patterns, once we become aware of them.
Which isn’t always easy, but it can be done, as long as we are willing.
As much as I would like to keep rambling on about the human experience, all the beauty and bittersweetness that comes along with it, I have to leave here in 20 minutes to go see my cousin.
…and I am still in my pajamas.
I hope you guys are having a great Labor Day weekend- stay safe!
More posts to come, eventually (we all know I’m not the best with consistency).