Love, Antidepressants, and Loafing

I had this great idea for a blog last night as I was drifting off to sleep. As I lay there, I was thinking about how I should text myself so I wouldn’t forget. But it was so good that I had faith I’d remember.

…I should have went with my initial reaction.

So instead, we’re just going to have a random blog post where I babble a lot about basically nothing. Business as usual.

It’s been a week since I started taking my antidepressants and I admit, I feel much better. I don’t cycle through 15,000 emotions a day. The break from my brain has been great- not going to lie.

Honestly, I wish I would have gotten on Citalopram back when I was laid off in 2018. But we all know I am a stubborn one. I’m pretty sure, thanks to SAD, I’ll have to keep taking them through winter- but that’s okay. Whatever it takes to be a better functioning version of me.

Except exercise, apparently. I can’t be bothered. Partially because my knee is mildly jacked up- the other part is sheer lack of motivation, despite knowing how good it is for me. I have to start soon, though, because I don’t want to have to go out into the corona riddled world to try on and buy new jeans. Or work pants.

(She types after having cake for breakfast).

Fourth of July was spent doing nothing but binge watching shows on the Netflix. I decided to add this holiday to the list of holidays I am opting out of celebrating. Instead of watching fireworks or setting any off, I decided to relive my childhood with a box of macaroni and cheese and stream new episodes of Unsolved Mysteries.

…it was wonderful, despite eating too much mac and cheese, but my boxed food baby comforted me as I watched Unsolved Mysteries alone in the dark.


Sunday I binged “Say I Do”. It’s a show where three men help couples have their (surprise) dream weddings.

You would think as a 37 year old single parent who has never been married (I also haven’t lived with anyone for 13 years) that this might be kind of a bummer to watch.

Not at all! I love love. I love seeing people happy. People who genuinely love each other. The couples on the show are absolutely wonderful human beings and I want to hug them all.

So are the three beautiful gay men that make the wedding magic happen- but they aren’t just wedding wizards. They go the extra mile, for example:

  • Helping one woman get a diagnosis for her learning disability (this has plagued her her entire life).
  • Setting up an appointment for a couple with an adoption lawyer.
  • Paying for wedding rings for the couples who can’t afford them (they spared no expense. I think one ring was around $11,000).
  • Buying a suit for a man who has never owned new clothes in his entire life (he’d always wanted one but never had the money).

It made me reflect on the goodness of people, but also our ability to love one another unconditionally, regardless of what type of relationship it is- love is the greatest gift, the best thing we humans have going for us.

After watching the series (on Netflix), it gave me hope when I needed it the most. Everything feels so uncertain right now.

Even as an introvert, I miss spending time with my few chosen people. And my son went to his father’s Friday- it’s strange not having him around. I keep expecting him to open my door unexpectedly like he always does, which drives me crazy.

I’m understanding why empty nest syndrome is a thing.

Working would help take my mind off of the emptiness, but this is my week to be on vacation– I’ll have a total of 10 days off, which is great. However, I don’t really know how I want to spend it (besides not working).

Ideally, I’d be visiting friends. Seeing sights in Kansas. Eating great food. Snuggling up with the gentleman caller. Maybe even camping.

But I am trying to be responsible and not go anywhere I don’t need to be. So I am opting to take care of little things I’ve been neglecting. Reading books I’ve only half finished. Listening my brother’s 80’s show and later, his 90’s hour. Blogging! And I may even get around to knitting my cardigan again.

I’ll admit, it’s nice to be home and be able to loaf, soak up all kinds of alone time that I haven’t had in ages…but I feel mildly guilty for it. Even though I know I shouldn’t.

Because we all deserve a good break. That’s what vacation is about.

More posts to come.

Published by amberalice

I’m not sure how to summarize myself properly (I struggle with simply being human). But let’s give it a try! Spiritual witchy hippie who dreams of three day weekends and human rights for all. Lunch lady to the neighborhood birbs (white breasted nut hatches are the best!). Adore my jumping spiders. Oh, there are also 50 or so plants we share our home with. And some rogue lady bugs. It’s always interesting to see where they show up. Like on toilet paper. This is where I add a heavy dash of queer, neurodivergency, and vegetarianism. Am big on hugs- I give them most generously.

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