If I Were Made Of Bacon

Haku is adorable. And Samantha Irby’s book is HILARIOUS, FYI! I would love to be friends with her. The kind of friends who text or DM because neither of us want to get out into the world. Or put pants on. Or have to worry about awkward pooping in public places.

Look at Haku.

He is a great neck pillow. In fact, he traveled with my child and me back when we took our trip to NYC in 2018.

Currently, he’s enjoying hanging out on my bed because my littlest sister has my packing cubes that Haku usually lives in. I don’t think he knows what to do with all of this space.

This is where things start to get a little dark.

Because we are living in the days of Coronageddon, my son is spending more time in my room. He is an extrovert. And I am thanking every fucking deity I know of that my father is around to buffer this for me.

#pleaseleavetheintrovertalone

Tonight was no exception- Manchild comes into my room. I threaten to draw a penis on his face because he won’t quit picking on me (his father is an artist and could draw a way better penis. I kind of hope he does that to our son one day- this is why I will never receive a mother of the year award…or have my son say sweet things about me).

The child looks over at Haku, who is still perched on my pillow, and asked what movie it is from.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WE WATCHED SPIRITED AWAY SO.MANY.TIMES. WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER. UGH!

I tell him.

L: “Is that the movie with the really whiny girl?!”

Me: “Yeah, her parents are turned into pigs because they ate all the food that was meant for the spirits”.

L: “…so if she ate pork while she was there, she could have been eating her parents”.

Me: “…in theory, yes”.

I don’t recall what he said next, but after he said it, one thing was clear:

If I turned into a pig, my son would eat me.

…or he would at least consider it.

I think he would, depending on what kind of day we’d had because he is a teenager. And I am pretty much middle aged, depressed, anxious, and over all kinds of bullshit.

I also believe he would take me out and turn me into chops because after I said it was certain he WOULD eat me, he tried to say he wouldn’t.

BUT THEN HE WENT ON TO SAY IF I WAS A BIG, FAT PIG, I’D BE GOOD FOR BACON.

I think he’s ruined fair food for me because that’s what the bath house restaurants make me think of.

Fuck, I love funnel cake. I’m going to miss it.

But I can’t take any chances.

More posts to come.

Published by amberalice

Kansas Native. Knitter. Amateur photographer. Lover of love, plants, and great burritos.

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