Struggling To Embrace The Unknown

Fudge grahams are probably the best thing in the entire world. I love them a little too much.

Wrapped up my first week working from home- not exactly what I thought it would be. In fact, this has probably been the worst week I’ve ever had at my current job.

It certainly ended on a spectacularly high shitty note; however, I am choosing to view it like this: Better to end a week like that than start a new one that way.

…but I’ve also had some time to calm down. I can assure you, as much as I try to be a loving, compassionate, empathetic, overall not shitty human being, I am still an asshole more than I’d like to be way too reactive.

Especially when all aspects of my life currently feel shaky.

I enjoy a false sense of security. I love the illusion I have control over something. But I know there isn’t true security.

And I don’t really control anything, aside from who/what I give my attention to, what I eat, and how I react to situations/people.

I’m finding myself in a somewhat familiar space- one I do not like to revisit or spend much time in. Being stuck at home when everything feels so uncertain, so confined triggers my depression.

I feel like I did last year when I was unemployed. Every day I wondered if it would be the day I would get a call for an interview. Or a job offer. Every day I would worry about how I’m going to pay my bills.

I was, and still am, struggling to let myself embrace the unknown.

This year, fortunately, I don’t have to worry about my bills getting paid (a luxury when so many people have been laid off). However, every day I hear about all the new corona cases. How many people have died from it. I wonder when we’ll be able to move back into the office so my home can feel like a safe, sacred space again. When it will be safe to go shopping for necessities without worrying about getting infected or potentially infecting others. When all of us are free to simply move around again.

But most of all, I wonder when people are going to stop dying from this virus that isn’t being taken seriously enough.

I’ve been trying to stay busy. I take drives out to the country to help with cabin fever. I do love to be home, but I also enjoy going to see the people I love.

Some days are easier than others– this morning feels a little rough but I’ll get through it. We’ll all get through this.

Maybe today is the day I finally sit and listen– gain some much needed clarity. Do some shadow work or soul searching. Start a new project since I’m super annoyed with this octopus I’ve been knitting (if it wasn’t already looking so damn good and I hadn’t put a lot of work into it, I’d rip it all out). Yoga is starting to sound like a possibility, the more I think about it.

I may even finish this month’s Strangelings book before my next one comes in a few weeks!

anything to get my spirits up again. I haven’t been doing the things I was doing months ago to keep my mental health in check, i.e. journaling regularly, exercise, meditating. And it shows.

So today I’ll find joy again in the midst of chaos and depression. And tomorrow, maybe I’ll share a most interesting text I had with my friend, Drew.

More posts to come.

Published by amberalice

Kansas Native. Knitter. Amateur photographer. Lover of love, plants, and great burritos.

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