This Post Is Probably Going To Make Me Late To Drop Off My Kid

I’m in a weird place right now.

I mean, there are some great things happening behind the scenes. Very excited about them!

But my trip last weekend left me with some big questions.

It was a fun trip. However, anytime my friend, Drew, is involved, there are always lots of laughs, along with great decisions. Yes, ladies, he’s single.

I’m not sure when this shift happened. What caused it. How I reached this point/how long it’s been in the works- you know, the usual stuff you contemplate when something in you has changed.

Anxiously sitting in the passenger seat in KCMO, seeing beautiful building after beautiful building, cars and people and so many twisting roads- I didn’t feel the same awe I used to get in big cities.

I actually missed my small town.

Don’t get me wrong- I enjoyed the company. Appreciated the buildings. The exhibits we visited. Going to Oracle Natural Science to buy my ethically sourced mink skull and Drew making me laugh the majority of the trip.

But my favorite part was staying in Parkeville. It’s this cute little town in Missouri, which actually felt a lot like a mountain town…a mountain town without bears. Have we discussed my fear of being eaten alive or mauled? Because that’s a thing. And what I feel is a valid reason to not stay overnight in a national park in a tent. Ever.

Back to Parkeville- small, quaint, quiet Parkeville. Interesting and full of great food. In fact, I tried poutine for the first time at The Craic, conveniently located below our airbnb. I know you Canadians are shaking your heads and yeah, I know it wasn’t REAL CANADIAN POUTINE, but Drew has had the real thing. He said it was pretty close. I trust him. Also, it’s kind of looking like I may never go to Canada at this stage in my life, so I will take what I can get.

Although if I ever DO make it to Canada thanks to having lots of money and cooperative anxiety, you can damn well bet I am going to eat your poutine EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I’m getting so distracted but I can’t say enough good things about my Parkville experience because there were are so many great things to share. The majority of this post is turning into me telling you to go visit and stay at the airbnb where you, too, can cook yourself in the most glorious of tubs (I would have been more concerned about giving myself heat stroke but Drew is a nurse so I knew I was in good hands).

If long, hot baths in big tubs aren’t your thing, you can walk along the Missouri River- highly recommended. Eat some delicious food, do a little shopping, go see the wizard house (Drew pointed out a wizard has to live in it and I 100% agree), and you must definitely visit the coffee shop, also on Main Street.

This is when we loop back to the opening of my post because sometimes I do manage to complete a thought. Not always, but occasionally. I’M REALLY GOOD AT SQUIRRELING.

What I took away from my trip last weekend is this: I don’t want to travel as much anymore.

…it’s such a weird thing to type when that’s what I’ve done pretty much my whole life. I have always been on the go. But I realized that’s not who I am right now.

Traveling has shaped me tremendously. I’ve made so many friendships through the years because of it. Been filled with wonder and awe. I can’t even begin to tell you how many beautiful things I’ve seen. Places I’ve visited. I’m grateful I had each opportunity.

I know. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it, too. That’s been my identity for so long, however, identities are basically patterns we accept. Identities are fluid. Always changing because we are (hopefully) always growing.

Don’t get me wrong- I’m still going to be taking my day trips because I love exploring Kansas. It just won’t be as often. I want to be home more because what I need is right here.

When I came to these conclusions, it made me wonder if maybe that’s part of the reason why my anxiety has been rough lately- that I’ve been doing things deep down that I didn’t really want to do.

I was simply running on my default setting.

Now I am here, in this space where I am figuring out what this version of me needs.

At first, I was worried maybe it was depression or my anxiety wanting to keep me wrapped in my comfort bubble. But years of experience managing both mental illnesses led me to conclude otherwise- I’m simply a different person with different needs.

I’m sure getting closer to 40 is a huge part of it, too.

I can’t help but feel that this current season of my life is for me to be a little more grounded. To stop running and always making plans. I like the idea of having the time to read all day if I want to. Or to enjoy not having somewhere or everywhere to be.

As silly as it sounds, I want to be more like everyone else- spending weekends at home. Doing lazy, enjoyable weekend things. Or at least my version of it.

More posts to come.

Published by amberalice

I’m not sure how to summarize myself properly (I struggle with simply being human). But let’s give it a try! Spiritual witchy hippie who dreams of three day weekends and human rights for all. Lunch lady to the neighborhood birbs (white breasted nut hatches are the best!). Adore my jumping spiders. Oh, there are also 50 or so plants we share our home with. And some rogue lady bugs. It’s always interesting to see where they show up. Like on toilet paper. This is where I add a heavy dash of queer, neurodivergency, and vegetarianism. Am big on hugs- I give them most generously.

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