Wednesday did not go as planned.
Due to snow, I canceled my oil change and dental appointment. I also made sure to get outside and play in the snow while wearing my obnoxious snow boots that I’ve barely used the past few years.
Five year old Amber was super happy.
Snow is beautiful. Magical. And I hate driving long distances in it but I didn’t have to that day because I was off! I finally had a chance to let myself be a kid again. I cannot tell you how much joy it brought me.
Since I was stuck in the city limits and had time on my hands, it hit me that I was now free to make an appointment to discuss anxiety meds. With us changing the EHR software we use at work, asking for time off isn’t really an option for the next few weeks. I had the choice to go Wednesday or suck it up for at least three more weeks.
…after having to go to the bathroom during a staff meeting to melt down, it was clear to me that waiting wasn’t a viable option.
I was proud of myself for making this step. There still seems to be some shame with taking medication. Quite frankly, I’m not a huge fan of big pharma, but there comes a point when sometimes you need the extra help.
I recognized I needed the help.
So I called. Made the appointment for 10:30. Lots of time to enjoy a quiet morning and take a bath.
For those who are close to me, they know I love Frank Turner. I love music, but it’s rare when an artist’s work truly resonates with me. Frank speaks to my soul ( a huge thank you to my fantastic SIL for getting me hooked!). One of my favorite songs, especially when I’m having a rough time, is Get Better.
Anyways, because I am such a fan, I bought a shirt a few months ago. As I was getting ready after my bath, Get Better popped into my head. Seemed appropriate to wear my Frank Turner shirt to my appointment.
I knew I made the right decision to go in when I was anxious sitting in the waiting room. I used to work in that clinic for almost two years. Some of my former coworkers are still there and yet, there I was, sitting in anxiety.
Even when I was back in one of the exam rooms waiting to see the APRN, I was struggling. It wasn’t awful stomach cramp inducing getmetothenearestbathroomrightnow anxiety. But I contemplated if I needed to whip out my deodorant from my purse (I used to think my friend, Jenn, was crazy for keeping some in hers. Years later, I realized she’s a fucking genius).
The nurse who came in wasn’t the one I’ve been seeing- she’s shadowing with my APRN (I say that like the APRN I see and I are best friends…but I would be friends with her because she’s fun. Every time I go in for a visit, I feel like I’m in med school because I get a lesson on the human body…with a twist).
This nurse was the woman I saw the night before at Dollar General. She was ahead of us at the checkout and needed to grab some chocolate so we moved out of the way (I’m not going to keep anyone from getting their chocolate fix). When the cashier told her it was 3 for whatever, I asked if she wanted another, and handed it to her when she said yes.
THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO BE NICE IN A SMALL TOWN! THE WOMAN IN THE CHECKOUT LINE AHEAD OF YOU COULD END UP BEING THE PROVIDER YOU SEE THE NEXT DAY!
Anyways, I talked about my symptoms– went over the depression questionnaire, too, since I mentioned depression had also decided to crash the party. I didn’t really care for it because it wasn’t asking the questions/describing the experience I was having. But we can’t all have the same symptoms, now can we?
She, in turn, said something to me that I didn’t know how to take at first but ended up getting on board with it.
I commented life is a hot mess.
She told me that it’s not a hot mess- it’s just life. And it’s hard.
I thought about it for a minute. She was right. Life happens. Nothing about it is linear. Or predictable. Or smooth.
Sometimes it’s magical. Full of wonder. Other times it feels grey and lifeless. It has no favorites. But we resist it instead of learning how to flow with whatever life throws our way.
We want to control it, even though we know we can’t.
Not long after KU (that’s what I’m calling her because I don’t remember her name but I remember where she’s studying) dropped that little piece of wisdom in my slightly less anxiety riddled lap, my APRN came in.
They called in some Buspar for me.
I haven’t started taking it yet, because I’d like to see how it effects me when I’m in the safety of my own home. So if I’m tired, I can pass out and nap. However, I’m going to take my first dose tomorrow after my cousin sister trip.
No, that’s not an Arkansas thing (I’m not even from Arkansas!). Yes my family tree has plenty of branches– I’m going with my cousins who are sisters on a day trip tomorrow.
I completely forgot what I was going to say because I feel a little judged right now.
Once I start feeling better- taking this medication or another- I hope to get back out there and socialize a little more. Not too much, because I’ve been enjoying my extra time alone, but I have some Zebu cows to visit. Axes to throw with my sisters. A nose to get repierced.
Oh! I remembered what I was going to say but it doesn’t really seem that important or as profound as the paragraph I just wrote, although it is kind of funny.
After my appointment, I went to the DMV and got my real id so I can keep flying even though I hate it. Then I headed to the bank to open a traveling account. I was super nervous at both places- places I am very familiar with. And I’ve been to a million times.
As I sat at the bank, we talked about small town life. I mentioned the sheriff’s log- the cop who writes it is HILARIOUS! I make sure to read it every week. There have been cows out. Stray pigs. Wandering goats. Some gloating by the sheriff’s department about winning donkey basketball. Amorous couples parked on side roads. A man going into the women’s public restroom at the lake only to find out the man is actually a woman.
But my favorite?
THE REPORT WHERE SOMEONE RECEIVED A LETTER THAT WAS ACTUALLY A PENIS GLITTER BOMB!
The report never said where it was sent to. Or to whom. BUT I FOUND OUT IT WAS SENT TO SOMEONE AT THE BANK! Who knew they had such a wild time down there?! I thought healthcare was exciting but we never get any penis glitter sent to us (I did get a bag of gummy dicks from my best friend’s husband, though).
This is why I love living in a small town. Weird shit happens constantly but it never stops surprising you. And you usually end up running into the people it happened to so you get the full details.
…this is beginning to explain a few things about me that I never fully realized until those last few sentences. But that’s okay- I much prefer people keeping it weird. Which is probably not a huge surprise to anyone.
More socially awkward, rambling, and moderately inappropriate posts to come 😉